


Hot Sauce Homicide

by 0057



Category: Diners Drive-ins and Dives
Genre: Gen, Murder, a lot of food ment, body horror maybe?, food ment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-16
Updated: 2015-12-16
Packaged: 2018-05-07 01:36:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5438666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0057/pseuds/0057
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Guy Fieri kills a man on live TV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hot Sauce Homicide

**Author's Note:**

> im really tired

"Next up on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives!" Guy's radical, super cool voice booms into the microphone,"We are visiting Oklahoma to find the spiciest chicken wings around. Here at Bobby's Wing Barn you either go hot or go home!"

The camera pans on a shabby looking, well, shack. It looks like a shed built in someone's backyard. It's larger and rickety wooden benches line the walls. A large greasy man stands at the counter like a captain at the helm of his weird, nasty ship. Guy's boisterous flame shirt enters the frame. His frosted tips and goatee-beard-thing soon follow.

"I am so excited to get spicy in the great Oklahoma Pandhandle." An animation flashes across the screen and pinpoints the exact location of the Barn. "Now this place is semi-famous for their spicy wings that, reportedly, sent a man to the hospital!" A news clip of a red-faced man on a stretcher replaces Guy on the T.V. He screams but no one listens.

"I'd like to see if this restaurant is REALLY capable of food first-degree murder!" 

The logo comes on, signaling a comercial break. 

"We're back and I'm here with Robert, the creator of this fine establisment." Guy says and the disheveled man from earlier stands to the left of him. He breathes heavily maintaining direct eye-contact with the camera. They're in a glistening silver kitchen, presumably the only clean area in the whole shack.

"So, here's the question on everyone's minds..." Guy pauses for dramatic effect but Rob is clearly unfazed, "how do you make these Double Whammy Wings?"

Rob grumbles some indecipherable words. The cameraman attempts to caption him but fails. No one knows what he is saying. Guy blankly stares into Rob's static eyes. He occasionally nods or mumbles a question, he gives the cook and understanding look multiple times.

Robert tosses the uncooked chicken into the burning oven, setting the timer for 20 minutes. Guy whispers someting to the crew briefly and they give him a hesitant thumbs drown. He closes his eyes and whispers something.

The scene switches and an elderly woman with long bleached hair sits on a creaky bench. A large plate of sesame seeds are in front of her. She does not touch the seeds but she still manages to consume them.

"So, why did you come to this place?" Guy asks and nervously looks away from her burning stare. She speaks slowly in a dead language. The crew moves on. Guy breaks out into a cold sweat.

A young child sits across from their parent. They're absentmindedly coloring on the rusty tabletop. The dark purple of the crayon brings out the bags under the parent's eyes. Guy asks the same question but stops when they notice the parent begin to drool and snore. A rat scurries across the wooden planks on the ground. The child giggles excitedly and flicks a fry down to the hungry animal. The rat nibbles on the morsel but drops down and does not move. The camera slowly zooms in on the creature.

Guy shakes his head and approaches an older, jolly man sitting by himself. He asks the same question once again. He inhales and hopes for th best.

"Why do I come here?" The man chuckles and leans in to whisper something, "the aliens can't get us here." 

Guy laughs uneasily and the man slides a plate of wings towards him. "Help Me" is messily written in, what he hopes is, hot sauce.

A bell rings, it tolls for Guy.

Robert slams down a silver platter of wings and calls Guy over to sample one. He gulps and grimly walks over like an inmate to an electric chair. His hands shake as he puts the wing into his mouth. Robert is staring at him.

"Very good," he says and prays that he makes it out alive. Rob smiles and shows off his top row of teeth. They're his only row of teeth. 

Guy feels heat rise up from his stomach. He shuts his eyes tightly, his life flashes before him, and then opens them. His vision is red. The patrons are laughing, no, crying. They're crying hysterically. They scream, "free us!" 

Guy grasps a fork, aiming it at Robert's heart. He misses but sticks it into his hairy arm. Rob groans and clutches his bleeding forearm. He screams and lunges at Guy, pinning him to the ground. He punches him in the face making Guy spit out a tooth. He wrestles him off and yanks the silver utensil out of Rob's limb. He pierces his heart this time, causing Rob to hiss and growl. He begins to resemble a rabid dog.

Guy removes the fork and Rob screams one last time, then he materializes into a red mist. The mist floats in the air, then sputters and disapears. The customers rise, all of them stare at Guy with contorted faces. A look of relief soon passes over them all and they too turn to mist and dissolve into the sky. The shack crumbles around them. A single tumblweed blows across the desert and the hot sun beats down on them. The Barn, the patrons, the owner; they're all gone. The crew exchange quizzical looks but turn their attention to Guy. The camera zooms, showing his defeated figure on the dirt.

Guy's hands shake and he crumples to the ground. He puts his face into his hands and screams.

 


End file.
